Senior Year: A fresh start

So, in just a few short weeks I will begin my Senior year of college. It is a fresh start for me since 2 things will be happening. I will be officially changing my name to Abiageal. and 2: I will do my best out of all four years at parkside. My goal this year is to get A's and B's. No C's for this girl this year!

Lost Faith, Found God

One year ago, I decided that God did not exist. That if he did, he certainly wouldn't have let my grandfather kill himself. I was at a christian conference the morning that my grandfather shot himself. I found out two days later. I didn't believe what my mother was saying to me. I thought she was joking, but she just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". I didn't know what she was sorry for. My shock and disbelief soon turned into the "only if's". What if I hadn't gone to that conference? What if I had gone to visit him for christmas and new years instead? Would things have turned out differently?

My grandfather was a loving, kind man. The most loving person I have ever met. And the only person that treated my brother and I like we were not adopted, like we were their REAL grandkids. When he died, it left a huge hole in my heart, and ripped a huger hole because I blamed God, and myself. I was lost, confused and hurting.

So I wandered, for the last year and a half, alone. I hurt people, I hurt myself. I didn't know how to be. I was angry at myself and everyone. I burned bridges, because I thought, if God could take away the one person who truly loved me, then I don't have anyone left. So I made it that way. I was alone for a whole year. Sure I had friends, well the ones who hadn't left yet because of the way I treated them. But I didn't really consider them support or anything. I thought I was alone. So I walked alone. I struggled with the WHY's and the WHAT IF's...I don't understand why this happened, or why it happened to me when I have already been through so much. I've lost so many people already and then to have the one person I love most wrenched away from me without any warning was unbearable.

And just when I thought I was going to be okay, another wave of grief would wash over me.

To this day, I am still lost, confused and hurting. But I don't blame God anymore, or myself. God didn't make my grandfather shoot himself. I also know that I am not walking alone. My friends, have stuck with me through the grief, through the anger, through the hurt. God did not desert me. He was and is there. Has he told me why this happened to me and my family? NO. Will he? I do not know. But I know that as much as this hurts, as much as I miss him, as much as I love him, God loves me and he will tell me one day why this happened.



I love what Josh Wilson is saying here.

"Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you? If there's a God who loves you, where is he now? But maybe there are things you can't see and all these things are happening to bring a better ending? Some day somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe? that you still have a reason to sing? Cuz the pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming. So hold on you gotta wait for the light, press on and fight the good fight. Cuz the pain that you've been feeling, its just the dark before the morning."

This song speaks to me in a way that words can not describe.


So did I lose my faith? Yes. Did it help me find God. Yes.

Missing my Grandfather.

i miss my grandfather terribly today. Maybe it is the fact that I know in about a month i will be seeking some sort of closure. But I miss him. He Loved me. and I loved him. In Jan, it will have been two years since he died. In Memory of my grandfather, Gerald Krohn. I love you grandpa!