The Prodigal God...and Daughter

All my life I have pretty much felt abandoned by God. I've been through so many hardships and pain and loss, enough for a dozen people. I've often prayed to God, begging him to speak to me in some way, to help me understand why it is that I have to have such pain in my life. I had all but given up on having a speaking relationship with God, when he spoke to me in a dream. No some skeptics might not consider this dream I had to be related at all spiritually but I believe it was. I believe God was directly answering one of my prayers. And he was, and he did. It renewed my faith in Him, because for such a long time I considered Him to be distant, someone way out in the universe who only watched over us but didn't really care about what happened to us. But when he spoke to me, I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was thrilling to know that God, cared about my feelings and actually cared enough about what I was feeling to answer a prayer directly. It has me wondering how many other prayers he had answered, but I was too stubborn or too busy to hear. It sheds new light on the words "answered prayer" that is for sure. However much I struggled over the last almost two years, and however far I walked away, God brought me back into His arms in the matter of one night, willing to trust him openly and give him control over my life. And things have been better ever since that night. Alot of good things have happened and are continuing to happen. Satan will not control this soul any longer. God has proved himself to me, and why it took so much, I'm not sure I will ever understand. Stubbornness, and a reliance on science...had me lost and wandering for such a long time. I couldn't understand why I couldn't fully trust God or allow him to have control. But it was me all along. It was myself preventing me from having the relationship with God that I had seen in others and always wanted. And now I will have it.

Consistency

One year from today, my friends, whom have been the only consistent thing in my life will be in France, then on to Chad...

I am so scared that I will never get to talk to them and I know I will rarely get to see them. This is so hard for me because they have been there for me since before I graduated high school and helped me through the last 7 years through everything that has happened. I am scared that this move will change the relationship that I have with them and I don't want that change. I want them to continue to feel like family. The clock is ticking and I only have so much time to spend with them and then they will be gone. I'm scared.

Identity Crisis

Okay, so here it is:
I have been having an identity crisis. All I've ever been is a daughter, sister, student, etc. Well now, with the name change and graduating in May, I feel like I am losing a big part of who I am. It is so hard to have to grow into being someone. I wish it was easy as getting dressed in the morning. I guess this is something I have always struggled with ever since I was a little kid. I got shuffled around alot, from foster home to foster home; even after being adopted I never considered myself to be a part of anything. I arrived at college determined to find a niche a place to call my own, friends to call my own. I found them. And now in less than a year, I will lose them again, or at least I feel like I will.

And....so begins my Senior Year!

Okay, well after a rocky last few weeks...I am finally at school and ready to start! As I type this I am doing summer homework that is due tomorrow at 9:30am! What a life! Anywhoodles...just thought to give all my readers a quick update!

Senior Year: A fresh start

So, in just a few short weeks I will begin my Senior year of college. It is a fresh start for me since 2 things will be happening. I will be officially changing my name to Abiageal. and 2: I will do my best out of all four years at parkside. My goal this year is to get A's and B's. No C's for this girl this year!

Lost Faith, Found God

One year ago, I decided that God did not exist. That if he did, he certainly wouldn't have let my grandfather kill himself. I was at a christian conference the morning that my grandfather shot himself. I found out two days later. I didn't believe what my mother was saying to me. I thought she was joking, but she just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". I didn't know what she was sorry for. My shock and disbelief soon turned into the "only if's". What if I hadn't gone to that conference? What if I had gone to visit him for christmas and new years instead? Would things have turned out differently?

My grandfather was a loving, kind man. The most loving person I have ever met. And the only person that treated my brother and I like we were not adopted, like we were their REAL grandkids. When he died, it left a huge hole in my heart, and ripped a huger hole because I blamed God, and myself. I was lost, confused and hurting.

So I wandered, for the last year and a half, alone. I hurt people, I hurt myself. I didn't know how to be. I was angry at myself and everyone. I burned bridges, because I thought, if God could take away the one person who truly loved me, then I don't have anyone left. So I made it that way. I was alone for a whole year. Sure I had friends, well the ones who hadn't left yet because of the way I treated them. But I didn't really consider them support or anything. I thought I was alone. So I walked alone. I struggled with the WHY's and the WHAT IF's...I don't understand why this happened, or why it happened to me when I have already been through so much. I've lost so many people already and then to have the one person I love most wrenched away from me without any warning was unbearable.

And just when I thought I was going to be okay, another wave of grief would wash over me.

To this day, I am still lost, confused and hurting. But I don't blame God anymore, or myself. God didn't make my grandfather shoot himself. I also know that I am not walking alone. My friends, have stuck with me through the grief, through the anger, through the hurt. God did not desert me. He was and is there. Has he told me why this happened to me and my family? NO. Will he? I do not know. But I know that as much as this hurts, as much as I miss him, as much as I love him, God loves me and he will tell me one day why this happened.



I love what Josh Wilson is saying here.

"Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you? If there's a God who loves you, where is he now? But maybe there are things you can't see and all these things are happening to bring a better ending? Some day somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe? that you still have a reason to sing? Cuz the pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming. So hold on you gotta wait for the light, press on and fight the good fight. Cuz the pain that you've been feeling, its just the dark before the morning."

This song speaks to me in a way that words can not describe.


So did I lose my faith? Yes. Did it help me find God. Yes.

Missing my Grandfather.

i miss my grandfather terribly today. Maybe it is the fact that I know in about a month i will be seeking some sort of closure. But I miss him. He Loved me. and I loved him. In Jan, it will have been two years since he died. In Memory of my grandfather, Gerald Krohn. I love you grandpa!

Summer 2010

Wow! Well let me just tell you, since I just started this let me catch you up on my summer.
Move down to a state where I don't know anyone to help the one person I do know with her kids, only to have her dislike some of the things i do or don't do but never tell me. Then, when her mother in law treats me like crap, I stand up for myself....only to find out that apparently that creates too much drama, so she kicks me out. 1000 miles from home and no where to go and she kicks me out...and only have I am begging for her help to get home, does she help me change my airline ticket.

GAHHH!!! Let me tell you, it has been a hard summer. Some good things have happened too though. I've realized a few things about something that happened a few years ago and I've realized that I've been blaming myself and another person when it wasn't my or his fault. Its hard and I still struggle with it, but it is not our fault. These things happen and there is no way we are to understand it, let alone be able to accept it.

Another thing I've realized is, you never do anything for free. People just take advantage of you. So, word of advice to all the readers that I'll hopefully some day have: If you can make money doing it, don't do it for free. Because the person you are "helping" will just use and abuse you. Take advantage of you and then blame it all on you.

I've learned from my experience. Also, I got to see Florida. Beautiful place, wouldn't want to live there though. Anyway....short bit to catch you all up on my summer. More to come!