Graduation!

Hello World!

I am graduating from University in 19 days! I did it! I completed my Bachelor's of Science- Psychology from the University of Wisconsin Parkside.

Still Here waiting

Why?
by Abiageal Mercer

I watch him reach across the table, Graceful and playfully he jabs my ribs
in an effort to produce the shrieking giggle that I so much wish he wanted to hear.
He has my heart on a string, in his picket. Occasionally, he'll pull it out, and we'll have a game of cat's cradle. I wish he would just care for it, see it's beauty. He says he doesn't love me, but his actions prove...confusing.

Flirting is his game and I play my role, desperately trying to earn his attention, trying so hard to shift his focus from her to me. My only desire is to earn his love. I am so confused. Why does he get the choice? He's the only one I see, the only one for me.

So deeply in love unable to get out. I've tried so hard to remove the grip he has on me. If only he could see it. He's my best friend but I want more. A kiss, maybe, a glimmer of hope that he wants me too.

It seems though that is too much to ask. I can't see past him, he sees everyone but me. Its not fair for him to search the world for this one true love when she's right next to him. Look to your left and open your eyes. I'm not going anywhere.

Just one boy that's all I ask. Send one my way who loves me. Just one to see my beauty, beyond the mask, send one to me. The one I love chases the princess, the unnatural beauty. Understand sire that you already have what you are looking for...See the one made for you.

Wow!

Okay guys,
So the last year has brought a lot of new changes. I didn't graduate last may like I intended. Instead I picked up an English minor and met an amazing guy that I fell in love with...the only problem...is he doesn't feel the same way for me. But that's okay. No regrets. Other great news. I met another guy, one who does like me, for me...and he's growing on me :-). I'm becoming a fantastic writer...and am even considering doing something with English when I graduate instead of Psychology. Who knows?

That guy I fell in love with...I don't think he realizes he cares about me...and I think one day he'll get there. But I don't want to wait around for him to realize it. This other guy, the one that likes me, he's real great. He's sweet, funny, hard-working, self-sufficient, everything I'm looking for. But have you ever been so in love that you can't see anyone but that one person? That's kinda where I'm at right now. I've got this gigantic wall in front of me, kind of reminds me of that poem you learn as a kid, the bear hunt poem...can't go under it can't go around it can't go through it...yeah. That's pretty much how i feel. Its not that I don't wish I could see around him, or through him to this great guy who wants to be with me...but I just can't. Whoever has been there understands. And for those that haven't, I hope one day you do. Because this is an experience that I think everyone should have, even though it is the worst feeling in the world.

It's almost the new year again. I miss you Grandpa. Its been nearly three years since you left us and went to heaven. I'm praying everyday that you found peace. We all miss you down here. Things have been hell without you. Our entire family fell apart...I wish things were different. But they aren't. You would fix things if you were here. Everyday, the wound gets a little smaller but it still hurts. Love you lots!

The Robertson's moved to France and in a year will head to Chad. I'm not happy about it but, nothing is really different except that I don't see them anymore at all in person. I was hoping to get to go to France but that's a no go since its so expensive to fly over there. And I'm not going to go to Africa to see them...its just too hot over there. Plus I don't think I'd be able to be without the internet and phone for that long. I miss them, and those wonderful kids, but its not the end of the world they will be back.

New year's resolutions:
Graduate College...in may. No changing the mind this time. This place is driving me nuts.

learn to understand that its okay to love, and get hurt(this is a hard one)...but I'm determined to get it right.

Deuces! Catch ya guys later!

A new year

This next year holds a lot of changes for me. In the next 6 months, I am changing my name, graduating college with a bachelors degree(first in my family), hopefully starting a new job, and moving to a new house. I am so anxious. I have no idea what God has in his plans for me during this time. All I know is that he will provide for me. I need a job, he will provide me one; I need a house, he will provide me one, etc. The last four years have been one bumpy ride, but that road is finally coming to an end. It is my hope for this year to have a more stable life in all areas: relationships, family, jobs, homes, everything. That is my goal number one. If I can achieve just part of that goal I will be ecstatic!

New Year's Goals

Be fit and active

Find emotional and financial stability

say goodbye to an old part of my life

say hello to my new life

change my name

graduate

find a job

Find an apartment

learn to live on my own

and the list goes on and on...but its a good start.

I'll keep you posted!

The Prodigal God...and Daughter

All my life I have pretty much felt abandoned by God. I've been through so many hardships and pain and loss, enough for a dozen people. I've often prayed to God, begging him to speak to me in some way, to help me understand why it is that I have to have such pain in my life. I had all but given up on having a speaking relationship with God, when he spoke to me in a dream. No some skeptics might not consider this dream I had to be related at all spiritually but I believe it was. I believe God was directly answering one of my prayers. And he was, and he did. It renewed my faith in Him, because for such a long time I considered Him to be distant, someone way out in the universe who only watched over us but didn't really care about what happened to us. But when he spoke to me, I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was thrilling to know that God, cared about my feelings and actually cared enough about what I was feeling to answer a prayer directly. It has me wondering how many other prayers he had answered, but I was too stubborn or too busy to hear. It sheds new light on the words "answered prayer" that is for sure. However much I struggled over the last almost two years, and however far I walked away, God brought me back into His arms in the matter of one night, willing to trust him openly and give him control over my life. And things have been better ever since that night. Alot of good things have happened and are continuing to happen. Satan will not control this soul any longer. God has proved himself to me, and why it took so much, I'm not sure I will ever understand. Stubbornness, and a reliance on science...had me lost and wandering for such a long time. I couldn't understand why I couldn't fully trust God or allow him to have control. But it was me all along. It was myself preventing me from having the relationship with God that I had seen in others and always wanted. And now I will have it.

Consistency

One year from today, my friends, whom have been the only consistent thing in my life will be in France, then on to Chad...

I am so scared that I will never get to talk to them and I know I will rarely get to see them. This is so hard for me because they have been there for me since before I graduated high school and helped me through the last 7 years through everything that has happened. I am scared that this move will change the relationship that I have with them and I don't want that change. I want them to continue to feel like family. The clock is ticking and I only have so much time to spend with them and then they will be gone. I'm scared.

Identity Crisis

Okay, so here it is:
I have been having an identity crisis. All I've ever been is a daughter, sister, student, etc. Well now, with the name change and graduating in May, I feel like I am losing a big part of who I am. It is so hard to have to grow into being someone. I wish it was easy as getting dressed in the morning. I guess this is something I have always struggled with ever since I was a little kid. I got shuffled around alot, from foster home to foster home; even after being adopted I never considered myself to be a part of anything. I arrived at college determined to find a niche a place to call my own, friends to call my own. I found them. And now in less than a year, I will lose them again, or at least I feel like I will.